Hello Fear

Every time I close my eyes,

There are these flashes I see.

Flashes then lead the way to an unsettling Fear.

The Fear grips me; body, heart and soul.

And yet, there’s a fixed rigidity

Which won’t let me do what I must to drive away The Fear.

It’s like a bucket full of storm clouds which have taken up a cozy residence in me

Constantly raging war with its thunder and lightning

In a way completely consuming me..

It’s all I can then think of; papers, case studies, reports and submissions.

Not a minute of peace

And yet I’m stuck in this limbo – unable to move forward and unable to take a step back

But life goes on, does it not?

This too shall pass,

And oh how I shall conquer thee, Fear, you just wait and see.

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Fly summer, fly

The sun was finally setting on a long summer. New beginnings await. But she wasn’t ready, not yet. A new beginning surely meant change. Change was never easy especially where matters of the heart were concerned. And her heart had been given to the one and only, for 5 long years. Xavier’s would never be ‘just a college’ for her. It was where she felt at home. Where everything from the professors to the very walls and classrooms had shaped her to be who she is today. How could she then move on? Her heart had firmly lodged itself in the beautiful heritage structure that Xavier’s boasts of.

St. Xavier's College, Mumbai.

St. Xavier’s College, Mumbai.

But as the sun finally sets on these long months of lazing and reading and chilling, she must move on. She must prepare herself for the upcoming battle. She’ll learn to love this new beginning. Well she hopes she does anyway. It’s obviously not going to be the same because to her nothing can even come close to what Xavier’s meant to her but try she must.

She knows that with the sun setting, dark days lay ahead. But there’s still that one light left within her. Which no matter how hard they try, no one can dim. She knows it won’t be long before she can look forward to happier days full of sunshine and the welcoming heat and warmth. And though it may seem like a long time, she knows that these months will fly past her and she’s not alone. There are those trusted few right there along with her and they help to keep that light shining bright and beautiful, within her.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

It seemed only days ago that I was entering the gated archway of my college with trepidation. The very structure of the building with years and years of history reverberating in its walls was intimidating if not downright scary. I still remember the first day in this college with a crystal clear clarity. Finding our way to the correct classrooms itself was a feat. I remember a group of us trying to figure out Lecture Room 206 (which actually turned out to be 20G but the print made it look like 206) and everyone being baffled as they’d never heard of such a classroom. I still remember how miserable the first half of the day was because of the company and how someone (who is now a good friend) I met later in the day seemed to me like a god-sent angel. She struck up conversation with me as we were waiting in queue to get into the class. I guess that’s how the journey started. all it took was her ‘hi’. I promptly went and sat with her, glad to ditch the previous company I had. Since then it’s been one crazy whirlpool of ups and downs.

Having some resemblance to Hogwarts, our college had it’s fair share of secret classrooms and secret niches and secret trap doors. That one whiff of adventure was all I needed. My friend and I were determined to find out all these secret places. This determination started 5 years back in the first year of junior college and lasted all the way till the last year of college. From finding deserted corridors behind the chapel to LR 29 (the location of which not many people know) to the locked third floor to passages off the zoology lab and to climbing into small connecting pathways (which are locked from the other end) through windows and to finding dead pigeons in there, we’ve pretty much covered it all.

We also had our fair share of crushes in college. whether it be you running all over college to glimpse said crush or pretending to talk on a shadowy stairway with someone so you could keep your eye on him, to following the guy in college who’d wear the best cologne ever, to blushing when your favourite, young male professor spoke to you outside class. Between my friends and I, there was always some or the other cute guy to keep our spirits up, even with the serious lack of guys the humanities stream in college had. These are probably some of my favourite memories of college. Not only is it the memory that I won’t ever forget but it’s the feelings and the swooning they still evoke in me that cannot be forgotten even if I tried.

No college experience would have been complete without the college fest though. From the FYJC when I came as an audience to watch Malhar, that was the one and only year I got to watch Illuminati (the UV light dance) from the best seats, up in the gallery in our hall. The entire event was breathtakingly stunning to the two years which followed where I was part of the work force to my last Malhar where I was part of the organizing team. There are too many memories to pen them all down but the best thing that Malhar gave me was the people I met through the fest. I feel lucky to have been able to meet these people, some of them extremely dear to me.

Most of my last year in college was more or less a big ball of blur. As the level of difficulty of the classes increased tenfold, assignments and exams every week, and those bloody hateful journals, if someone were to ask me to close my eyes and recollect my last  year the first thing that comes to my mind is a copy of the cover page of our pretty much weekly assignments. Having Psychology as a major, we were a small class of 24, and more or less our entire life (in and outside college) revolved within the four walls of our lab. But then the memories of our HoD letting us bring coffee and food up to class and allowing us to drink and eat in class, and the poor one person would go down to probably buy ten people coffee, having to use cardboard boxes given by the coffee counter to carry up all the cups kick in. then there were her marathon lectures with small breaks in between, all her jokes in class, the rivalry between her and our principal and how open she was about it did give us all a good laugh. Just like us, it was our HoD’s last year of teaching as well. That in itself is a loaded memory now. Then there was the yearly seminar we had in Khandala. Just thinking about it brings a broad smile to my face. While during the day it was all serious listening to the various papers the students presented, the nights were spent bonding and partying it up with our classmates with fairy lights, loud music, alcohol and dancing on the beds. Best nights ever. The small farewell party we put up for out HoD with more fairy lights, food, hot chocolate, a song our class prepared and sharing all this around a bonfire. Needless to say of the seminars I attended all three years, this one was the best.

Another reason the last year was so memorable was because although this was the year we had the least time for maintaining social lives, it was the year we went out to maximum places to eat in with our friends. From Sterling to Kala Ghoda cafe and Ahar to Sunlight and Kitkat. It’s been 5 lovely years with a treasure full of memories. From getting high on the iced tea in the canteen to laughing till tears are streaming down your face, to squabbling over bhaji pao, to birthdays, to class photos to cute guys. It’s been one hell of a journey and finally the day has come, with caps thrown in the air and numerous pictures captured, we’re graduates. This journey is officially over. Xavier’s has molded me into becoming the person I am today and I’m eternally grateful for giving me the best 5 years of my life.

The Unknown

What is it about the unknown that intrigues us so?

It didn’t take much to excite me. Your words were all I needed really. But would you blame me? Being born and brought up with impeccable language skills, although growing up in a place where very, very few people do justice to the language, I guess it doesn’t take much to fall for someone’s words. Or maybe that’s just me and my inner Frost. Either way, all it took was a few words here and there, and a genteelness you unknowingly portrayed that ignited a spark in me.

You ask me if it’s a full-blown fire raging? No, not yet. That might have something to do with the fact that neither do I have a name, nor a face to go with said name which I don’t know. Aah yet, there’s something about The Unknown, which sings out to me. The mysteriousness makes me pine more and more everyday. A quenching thirst is what you evoke in me, a curiosity so deep, I’m pretty sure it is going to get me killed. And all for a name. That’s all I want really. Your name, to satisfy, myself, to quell this thirst and maybe, just maybe pine over you.

But isn’t it the mystery itself which makes it so much more appealing? For now you could be my Prince Charming, the eternally good-looking fellow who can serenade me with his lovely songs or charm my pants off with his words. You’ve built your own identity and although I may claim I dislike the British accent, you still had me at the fact that you were British.

But are you really? For all we know you could be my junior. And that would be horrifying, something I really don’t want to think about. But then again I guess I’m just one of those people who needs to know it, irrespective of whether it’s pleasant or mighty unpleasant, I’d still rather know who you are and deal with what I know than ponder over days on end and still not find out who you were. And I guess it doesn’t help that not only do you come across as a nice human being which has become a rare breed in itself but that we might share similar interests.

Gah. If only we could have everything we wanted in life though. But I will find out a way to find you. I guess it’s a good thing that while I am highly curious I do have a pretty strong will power when it comes to something I want.

Daily Prompt: It’s Friday, I’m in Love

Remember your first crush? Think about that very first object of your affection. Oh, the sweaty palms. The swoony feeling in your stomach. Tell us the story of your first crush. What was it about this person that made your heart pound? Was the love requited? Change the names to protect the guilty or innocent if you must! No judgement here. Happy Valentine’s Day!

He wasn’t my first crush, but he was probably the only one to turn me into a puddle of my own mess. Reliving those college days again…

 

A typical ordinary day ’twas.
The economics lecture dull and dreary,
Cramped in the small classroom
lost in daydreams of the lecture ending,
I was jolted out of the dream as he swept into the class.
Swept in with the typical swag of a TY in Xavier’s
A small announcement is all he made.
Not peaking my interest, to the dreams I went back,
But taking notice of his resemblance to a cute Step Up actor.
Before that to me he didn’t exist,
After that he was all over everywhere.

You didn’t know how much you helped brighten my day,
one glance at you and I’d be wherever you are.
Maybe talking on the phone, sipping iced tea or talking to a friend on the shadowy landing of a stairway.
Oh, we were as subtle as an elephant in the kitchen,
No one could ever have suspected the shenanigans we were up to.
A giddy giggling mess you turned me into,
Eyes bright, cheeks red and a huge grin on my face.
Heady and intoxicated,
So much so that my friends pretended to not know me,
but what did I care?
I was on nothing less than cloud nine.
With you around, a constant high was all I had
Wherein ‘Excuse Me’ would have become an actual conversation we shared.
But aah, if only!
The giggling mess that I was, the moment we could’ve had lost,
My friend doing the honour instead.
But could you blame me?

He played the guitar; I always had a thing for musicians,
He loves Coldplay; so do I,
Bad English I couldn’t bear; so of course impeccable language skills he had,
He may have been cute but one of the few who was actually nice as a person.
Trust my luck to find the perfect guy but not be able to do anything about it!
Endless hour after hour I’d spend on FaceBook; Thank god for technology!
Just to be in the loop about you.
And the more I read and the more I saw,
The harder I fell.

A simple conversation back then, I would’ve died for
But alas! Fate was never in my favour.
Soon came the day when I’d see you no more,
A pretty Cambridge lass I’m sure taking off from where I left off.
Dark, brooding, stormy grey clouds settled down in my heart.
But time was all I needed, to part.
As I grew up and forgot about the incessant obsession I once had,
Fate came calling.
There I was, my phone in hand, his number stored in my phone.
Staring at the screen for a full minute before I finally gathered the nerve to hit ‘call’.
An invitation I had to give, to an event organized by us,
He needed to come judge.
Ah, you were as sweet as people made you out to be,
As polite as one could be.
The loud beating of my heart and the blood rushing to my ears
No more did that exist.
But a serene smile;
a memory that would last me a lifetime.
Two years later, a dream fulfilled,
A shared conversation and the knowledge of my name,
Is all, what we both took away.

 

 

The Journey that was…

College fests are supposed to be something fun, a break from all the hard work and studying and academics. It’s something to just chill at with your friends with no worries in the world whatsoever. Except maybe getting the best seats for an event.

Apparently not, if you are one of the Organizers of the fest. No. Then it’s all hard work and frazzled nerves, endless ideas, sleepless nights and college in the morning again. This may still have not been a bittersweet experience had it not been for some of the…events, shall we say. I would’ve been happy to look back at all of this, the countless hours of work, the disagreements with my team, the tears, the achievements, the laughter the happy, crazy, insane moments. But it was all marred by incidences with people who were not even directly related to all this. People not a part of the core team. And that’s the sad part. If your team wasn’t able to work as one unit you still have a reason for bittersweet memories. What do you do when it’s made bittersweet by outsiders?

Things blown up out of proportion. Maybe not for you but for me. More so by the fact that everyone else knew the ‘issues’ at hand but us. In one sense of the term, a bitching session everyone partook in but none were able to walk up to us and tell us “Look, this is what you’re doing and I Don’t like it one bit. It would be nice if you could make an attempt to stop doing it.” I think after so many months and years of knowing each other we deserved that much common courtesy. It came only after everything was over. After the fest was over. And it didn’t come from you. We had to hear it from two other people. If you’re brave enough to go talk about it to everyone else, you should’ve been able to confront us about any behaviour of ours that you didn’t like. I guess that’s my opinion cause I’m not really one to talk about serious issues I’m having with a friend to another mutual friend. Maybe I’d talk about it to a third-party who didn’t know you at all. Even after it was all over you couldn’t tell us. No I had to hear it from someone and ask you about it. Yes, it affected you and you started crying and I’m truly sorry about it, but that was another reason I couldn’t say to you what I went through. How your behaviour made me feel. What you didn’t realize is that it’s a two-way process.

Yes, I agree that I was very involved with the fest. It wasn’t even a part of our life it was our life at that point. You don’t realize what we are going through. You guys beg to go home by 6 in the evening, we stay in college till 10.30-10.40  and it takes us another hour and a half to reach home. However the next day we’re still making an effort to get up at the same time as you and reach college. So no you really don’t know what we’re going through. If you tell me you’re doing the fest only for the external rewards associated with it do you honestly think I’ll volunteer to talk about something I’m doing because I’m passionate about it, because I love it, and I couldn’t give a damn  about the rewards to talk about it with you? Only to experience the negative aura you’ve built around it? You tell me. You say I only spoke to her, but do you realize that you yourself mentioned that the two others only talk to each other because they’ve always been close. Is that my fault too? You may not have meant it but that’s how you said it. I get that you were left all alone and I’m truly sorry for that but you never heard my side of the story, I was never able to tell you because I always put your emotions before mine. Do you think I wanted to talk to you anymore after you refused to accompany me claiming you had to sleep only for me to find you chatting away the time with someone else? No. I’m being brutally honest. No, I was mad, mad beyond reason and I hadn’t wanted to talk with you. I was blindsided by my rage.  This may not have been that bad but we were working for 14 hours a day excluding travelling. We were tired, sleep deprived and that doesn’t make for a happy person. You claim you once asked me ‘how the shoot went?’ I remember I said it was good. And it upset you that I didn’t give any details. But you knew that I’ve never been a morning person and I’m not particularly trippy and chatty in the morning. Combined with perpetual tiredness and sleep deprivation I agree I probably would’ve hated myself. But you never asked for any of the details. You had only asked how it was.

You claim we never spoke about the fest with you but we did with someone else. That was a lie and I don’t know what gave you the idea but internal matters were never discussed beyond the members of the core team. You built up your own interpretations and you got more upset. I agree you may have had a right to be upset but I also had a right to know you were upset and I also had a right to tell you my half of the story. Nothing ever is a one way process. We’ve gone back to being okay, probably better than okay. But I couldn’t have ever let this go without getting it out. I still don’t believe that everything I felt is out there but that’s about as much the poor keys could take the abuse from my fingers. They’ve just flown over the keys. I could’ve been visually challenged and written this. I guess that’s how much I needed an outlet.

This will probably open old wounds. But wounds cannot be forgotten unless healed. I never was healed from this wound. It cut deep especially given the fact that I couldn’t say what I had to. It’s not my intention to bring up these old flames to lick the wounds again. It’s just my way of burying the hatchet from my side. For my peace of mind.

It’s a way of life.

Sweat. Blood. Grit. You make it larger than life.

Time flies. Lines and edges are blurred.

The drama, the heat, the  facets take over you.

The beats riveting deep in your bones, the music leaving behind a trail of goosebumps.

The tears, the pain, the sleepless nights;

the adrenaline rush, the nerves, the frantic helplessness.

The arguments, the distress, the bewilderment.

The people, the cards, the food;

the endless hope, the laughs, the stories.

The memories made.

This, Is where I belong.

Because…

Somethings are just worth doing.