Paradoxes

Life forever seems to be such a paradox. There are moments I wish I could just freeze in time, lest it pass by me before I can catch my breath. And then there are those wherein there’s nothing more I’d like than to move past it and jump into the awaiting future.

This is one of those instances when I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, while everything else whizzes by me. It feels like I’ve been doing the same constant mundane things over and over for the past two years. My soul craves some adventure, to delve into the unknown, to get away from the routine. I can almost taste what it would feel like.

And yet there are a million reasons for why I can’t do so, yet. Every time the craving hits I pacify myself by saying that there’s always time. And the proverbial dreamer in me keeps the dream burning alive.

And yet I find myself pondering if that is not the very reason keeping me from grasping what I want. Just another one of life’s many paradoxes that I’ll have to content myself with, till the dreamer in me has it all in her tangible hands.

Magic

There’s magic in the dewy grass

There’s magic in the rustling winds

There’s magic in the crashing waves

There’s magic in the setting sun

There’s magic in the shimmering stars

There’s magic in the radiant moon

There’s magic all around

But where pray, is the magic in your dreamy eyes?

Hello Fear

Every time I close my eyes,

There are these flashes I see.

Flashes then lead the way to an unsettling Fear.

The Fear grips me; body, heart and soul.

And yet, there’s a fixed rigidity

Which won’t let me do what I must to drive away The Fear.

It’s like a bucket full of storm clouds which have taken up a cozy residence in me

Constantly raging war with its thunder and lightning

In a way completely consuming me..

It’s all I can then think of; papers, case studies, reports and submissions.

Not a minute of peace

And yet I’m stuck in this limbo – unable to move forward and unable to take a step back

But life goes on, does it not?

This too shall pass,

And oh how I shall conquer thee, Fear, you just wait and see.

Fly summer, fly

The sun was finally setting on a long summer. New beginnings await. But she wasn’t ready, not yet. A new beginning surely meant change. Change was never easy especially where matters of the heart were concerned. And her heart had been given to the one and only, for 5 long years. Xavier’s would never be ‘just a college’ for her. It was where she felt at home. Where everything from the professors to the very walls and classrooms had shaped her to be who she is today. How could she then move on? Her heart had firmly lodged itself in the beautiful heritage structure that Xavier’s boasts of.

St. Xavier's College, Mumbai.

St. Xavier’s College, Mumbai.

But as the sun finally sets on these long months of lazing and reading and chilling, she must move on. She must prepare herself for the upcoming battle. She’ll learn to love this new beginning. Well she hopes she does anyway. It’s obviously not going to be the same because to her nothing can even come close to what Xavier’s meant to her but try she must.

She knows that with the sun setting, dark days lay ahead. But there’s still that one light left within her. Which no matter how hard they try, no one can dim. She knows it won’t be long before she can look forward to happier days full of sunshine and the welcoming heat and warmth. And though it may seem like a long time, she knows that these months will fly past her and she’s not alone. There are those trusted few right there along with her and they help to keep that light shining bright and beautiful, within her.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

It seemed only days ago that I was entering the gated archway of my college with trepidation. The very structure of the building with years and years of history reverberating in its walls was intimidating if not downright scary. I still remember the first day in this college with a crystal clear clarity. Finding our way to the correct classrooms itself was a feat. I remember a group of us trying to figure out Lecture Room 206 (which actually turned out to be 20G but the print made it look like 206) and everyone being baffled as they’d never heard of such a classroom. I still remember how miserable the first half of the day was because of the company and how someone (who is now a good friend) I met later in the day seemed to me like a god-sent angel. She struck up conversation with me as we were waiting in queue to get into the class. I guess that’s how the journey started. all it took was her ‘hi’. I promptly went and sat with her, glad to ditch the previous company I had. Since then it’s been one crazy whirlpool of ups and downs.

Having some resemblance to Hogwarts, our college had it’s fair share of secret classrooms and secret niches and secret trap doors. That one whiff of adventure was all I needed. My friend and I were determined to find out all these secret places. This determination started 5 years back in the first year of junior college and lasted all the way till the last year of college. From finding deserted corridors behind the chapel to LR 29 (the location of which not many people know) to the locked third floor to passages off the zoology lab and to climbing into small connecting pathways (which are locked from the other end) through windows and to finding dead pigeons in there, we’ve pretty much covered it all.

We also had our fair share of crushes in college. whether it be you running all over college to glimpse said crush or pretending to talk on a shadowy stairway with someone so you could keep your eye on him, to following the guy in college who’d wear the best cologne ever, to blushing when your favourite, young male professor spoke to you outside class. Between my friends and I, there was always some or the other cute guy to keep our spirits up, even with the serious lack of guys the humanities stream in college had. These are probably some of my favourite memories of college. Not only is it the memory that I won’t ever forget but it’s the feelings and the swooning they still evoke in me that cannot be forgotten even if I tried.

No college experience would have been complete without the college fest though. From the FYJC when I came as an audience to watch Malhar, that was the one and only year I got to watch Illuminati (the UV light dance) from the best seats, up in the gallery in our hall. The entire event was breathtakingly stunning to the two years which followed where I was part of the work force to my last Malhar where I was part of the organizing team. There are too many memories to pen them all down but the best thing that Malhar gave me was the people I met through the fest. I feel lucky to have been able to meet these people, some of them extremely dear to me.

Most of my last year in college was more or less a big ball of blur. As the level of difficulty of the classes increased tenfold, assignments and exams every week, and those bloody hateful journals, if someone were to ask me to close my eyes and recollect my last  year the first thing that comes to my mind is a copy of the cover page of our pretty much weekly assignments. Having Psychology as a major, we were a small class of 24, and more or less our entire life (in and outside college) revolved within the four walls of our lab. But then the memories of our HoD letting us bring coffee and food up to class and allowing us to drink and eat in class, and the poor one person would go down to probably buy ten people coffee, having to use cardboard boxes given by the coffee counter to carry up all the cups kick in. then there were her marathon lectures with small breaks in between, all her jokes in class, the rivalry between her and our principal and how open she was about it did give us all a good laugh. Just like us, it was our HoD’s last year of teaching as well. That in itself is a loaded memory now. Then there was the yearly seminar we had in Khandala. Just thinking about it brings a broad smile to my face. While during the day it was all serious listening to the various papers the students presented, the nights were spent bonding and partying it up with our classmates with fairy lights, loud music, alcohol and dancing on the beds. Best nights ever. The small farewell party we put up for out HoD with more fairy lights, food, hot chocolate, a song our class prepared and sharing all this around a bonfire. Needless to say of the seminars I attended all three years, this one was the best.

Another reason the last year was so memorable was because although this was the year we had the least time for maintaining social lives, it was the year we went out to maximum places to eat in with our friends. From Sterling to Kala Ghoda cafe and Ahar to Sunlight and Kitkat. It’s been 5 lovely years with a treasure full of memories. From getting high on the iced tea in the canteen to laughing till tears are streaming down your face, to squabbling over bhaji pao, to birthdays, to class photos to cute guys. It’s been one hell of a journey and finally the day has come, with caps thrown in the air and numerous pictures captured, we’re graduates. This journey is officially over. Xavier’s has molded me into becoming the person I am today and I’m eternally grateful for giving me the best 5 years of my life.

Take Me Away a Secret Place

Have you ever thought of being the bigger person and just being nice to the human race for once in your life, only for it to come crashing down on you? This is exactly why I want to go some far away place and live with only dogs for company. Dogs will not read in between your words and make up something on another tangent, ignoring the point you were trying to make, dogs do not spew out rubbish and more importantly dogs do not make me want to violently strangle them.

Honestly, how hard is it to take no for an answer? Do people ever consider how hard it might be to come up with creative ways of saying no while being nice at the same time? And they call women clingy, geez. From a hundred different people who want to meet, to another hundred who want to be good friends to those who insistently want your phone number; take me away some far off place with a good book to burrow in and I could spend the rest of my life away. Till of course the craving for human company arises.

It’s like an analogy this loony friend of mine made. (Of course during the exam we don’t remember anything, but come the time for analogies.) It’s like the Push Button technique, wherein we push a button to be good friends and now we’re good friends. Good friends to best friends and best friends to sex. She had me laughing my guts out at that one, but that’s exactly what these people are looking for, aren’t they?

What happened to talking to the person, hanging out with them and getting to know them and eventually becoming good friends? And of course like she says, I don’t understand how I’m the one who always ends up with these people. It would obviously be too much to hope for the people who you’d like to start-up an actual conversation with, to start talking to you. Thanks a lot, Karma.

While I could go on whining, I’m sure every girl to ever exist would’ve gone through this at least once in her life. But oh well, looking at the bright side, at least I got some entertainment out of it.

Of Obsessive Insanity & More

 

She was but one person,
With a million different facades.

The sweet, innocent, proverbial angel as known to everyone else.
Crossover to the other side however,
and you find nothing but deception.

A game made to seem so effortless by her,
nothing but immaturity at the root of it all.

The insanity, the obsessive possessiveness, the denials,
She’s played them all.

A one sided love she was so blinded by,
it left in her a flash of red hot anger.

Assumptions at the tip of her tongue,
best friends forbidden to talk to people,
Daily updates of conversations with other girls.

A self made claim she had on him,
yet such a different story he had to tell.