The Journey that was…

College fests are supposed to be something fun, a break from all the hard work and studying and academics. It’s something to just chill at with your friends with no worries in the world whatsoever. Except maybe getting the best seats for an event.

Apparently not, if you are one of the Organizers of the fest. No. Then it’s all hard work and frazzled nerves, endless ideas, sleepless nights and college in the morning again. This may still have not been a bittersweet experience had it not been for some of the…events, shall we say. I would’ve been happy to look back at all of this, the countless hours of work, the disagreements with my team, the tears, the achievements, the laughter the happy, crazy, insane moments. But it was all marred by incidences with people who were not even directly related to all this. People not a part of the core team. And that’s the sad part. If your team wasn’t able to work as one unit you still have a reason for bittersweet memories. What do you do when it’s made bittersweet by outsiders?

Things blown up out of proportion. Maybe not for you but for me. More so by the fact that everyone else knew the ‘issues’ at hand but us. In one sense of the term, a bitching session everyone partook in but none were able to walk up to us and tell us “Look, this is what you’re doing and I Don’t like it one bit. It would be nice if you could make an attempt to stop doing it.” I think after so many months and years of knowing each other we deserved that much common courtesy. It came only after everything was over. After the fest was over. And it didn’t come from you. We had to hear it from two other people. If you’re brave enough to go talk about it to everyone else, you should’ve been able to confront us about any behaviour of ours that you didn’t like. I guess that’s my opinion cause I’m not really one to talk about serious issues I’m having with a friend to another mutual friend. Maybe I’d talk about it to a third-party who didn’t know you at all. Even after it was all over you couldn’t tell us. No I had to hear it from someone and ask you about it. Yes, it affected you and you started crying and I’m truly sorry about it, but that was another reason I couldn’t say to you what I went through. How your behaviour made me feel. What you didn’t realize is that it’s a two-way process.

Yes, I agree that I was very involved with the fest. It wasn’t even a part of our life it was our life at that point. You don’t realize what we are going through. You guys beg to go home by 6 in the evening, we stay in college till 10.30-10.40  and it takes us another hour and a half to reach home. However the next day we’re still making an effort to get up at the same time as you and reach college. So no you really don’t know what we’re going through. If you tell me you’re doing the fest only for the external rewards associated with it do you honestly think I’ll volunteer to talk about something I’m doing because I’m passionate about it, because I love it, and I couldn’t give a damn  about the rewards to talk about it with you? Only to experience the negative aura you’ve built around it? You tell me. You say I only spoke to her, but do you realize that you yourself mentioned that the two others only talk to each other because they’ve always been close. Is that my fault too? You may not have meant it but that’s how you said it. I get that you were left all alone and I’m truly sorry for that but you never heard my side of the story, I was never able to tell you because I always put your emotions before mine. Do you think I wanted to talk to you anymore after you refused to accompany me claiming you had to sleep only for me to find you chatting away the time with someone else? No. I’m being brutally honest. No, I was mad, mad beyond reason and I hadn’t wanted to talk with you. I was blindsided by my rage.  This may not have been that bad but we were working for 14 hours a day excluding travelling. We were tired, sleep deprived and that doesn’t make for a happy person. You claim you once asked me ‘how the shoot went?’ I remember I said it was good. And it upset you that I didn’t give any details. But you knew that I’ve never been a morning person and I’m not particularly trippy and chatty in the morning. Combined with perpetual tiredness and sleep deprivation I agree I probably would’ve hated myself. But you never asked for any of the details. You had only asked how it was.

You claim we never spoke about the fest with you but we did with someone else. That was a lie and I don’t know what gave you the idea but internal matters were never discussed beyond the members of the core team. You built up your own interpretations and you got more upset. I agree you may have had a right to be upset but I also had a right to know you were upset and I also had a right to tell you my half of the story. Nothing ever is a one way process. We’ve gone back to being okay, probably better than okay. But I couldn’t have ever let this go without getting it out. I still don’t believe that everything I felt is out there but that’s about as much the poor keys could take the abuse from my fingers. They’ve just flown over the keys. I could’ve been visually challenged and written this. I guess that’s how much I needed an outlet.

This will probably open old wounds. But wounds cannot be forgotten unless healed. I never was healed from this wound. It cut deep especially given the fact that I couldn’t say what I had to. It’s not my intention to bring up these old flames to lick the wounds again. It’s just my way of burying the hatchet from my side. For my peace of mind.

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